earXtacy, Summer2013

Ask GWAR!

Hey Loser, CLICK HERE to Turn Your Life Around.  Submit Your Question for GWAR!

Dear GWAR,

My five year old sister likes to eat paint chips.  My parents don’t want her

to but I think it’s ok.  I eat them too and I feel fine.  Who is right?

 

                                                                 Steve J., Denver, CO

 

- Beefcake:

Let me handle this one Oderus, as I was in her situation as a child... She is.  She has the freedom of choice.  And with today’s lead-free paints, it’s really not that harmful.

 

 

Dear GWAR,

Is there really a God?  A heaven?  A hell?

                                                                

                                                                 Natalie, Knoxville, TN

 

- Beefcake:

Who cares?  If there is it can’t be much fun.

- Oderus:

God, heaven and hell are all antiquated concepts that all exist simultaneously while you are alive.  When you are over, that’s it.  Over.  Bingo.  Sorry.  Fresh out of luck.

 

 

Dear GWAR,

I’ve never tried drugs before and I’m just about to graduate from

elementary school.  So many other kids in my school have tried them.  What types of drugs do you recommend for the beginner?

 

                                                                 Theresa, Denver, CO

 

- Beefcake:

Start out with paste.

- Oderus:

Start out with paint chips!  Work you way up to cigarettes.  Then start with pot and alcohol.  Once you try pot, you’re...you know, it’s true that pot does lead to harder drugs.  You’ll be on crack before you know it.

 

                                                                

 

Dear GWAR,

My girlfriend won’t let me have anal sex with her, I can’t even put a finger in there.  I can touch it and I can lick it (even thought it tastes like a copper penny).  What can I do to persuade her to let me have anal sex with her?     

                                                                                           Buell, E-town, KY.

 

- Beefcake:

Trick her into thinking you’re not gonna do it and you’re just gonna fuck her doggy-style, then ram it in her ass.

- Oderus:

Good answer.  Right, once you break the barrier she’ll be hooked.

 

 

 

Dear GWAR.

My parents say I’m a loser.  Are they right?    

 

                                                                 Meridtih, Salem, MA.

 

- Beefcake:

Yes.  Kill them both and you’ll be a winner.

- Oderus: 

Without a doubt.

 

 

 

Dear GWAR,

Sometimes there is blood on the toilet paper when I wipe after taking a shit.  Should I be concerned over this?    

 

                                                                 Mike, Albany, NY.

 

- Oderus:

You should be happy.  You should strive for more blood in your shit.  The only way to do this is to buy all of GWAR’s albums.  And use broken glass to wipe your ass. Pray to GWAR and you’ll go far!